You must complete, not compete with him

27 Sep, 2019 - 00:09 0 Views
You must complete, not compete with him


Nhlalwenhle Ncube

IT is a good thing to be that kind of woman who is a go getter and have dreams big!

I had to start with that statement so that I am not quoted wrongly. Nowadays most marriages are failing because instead of two becoming one after marriage, they continue to be two separate individuals competing on who is more successful than the other. And most times the problem comes with the kind of women who refuse to be women. I mean those who want to be in charge of everything and will do anything to prove that they are better than their husbands. Be it academically or more financially stable.

These kinds of relationships become a constant battle for supremacy, control and maybe, even a little domination. It is not healthy at all because wherever there is competition, jealousy and hatred become  the order of the day. In marriage, women have to be supportive all the time and not have the competition mentality. Competition and love do not exist in the same place and it will never happen, no matter how much someone wishes that to happen. Of course I know some women have explained why they decided to compete with their husbands. They claim it was the best route to take after realising that the husband was not giving them respect they deserved and took them for granted. In trying to prove a point, they had to show that they could be independent and even more successful than them. When competing with your husband, it then becomes impossible to complete him.

Nothing good can come out of competition. It’s destructive and always brings up tension in a relationship. If you are in a relationship where you always compete to outdo each other then work on bringing the necessary change by putting an end to the destructive competition in your relationship. Take some time and ask yourself these essential questions, “Is there a way that I am inviting competition in my relationship by my words, my actions, my demeanour, or my stance in life and in my relationship particularly?

Do I turn everything into a debate?

Is my first inclination to find fault, rather than see the good?

When I’m really honest with myself, do I have a big need to be right?

Am I only happy when I am winning?

Am I on guard and look for ways to prove my partner is wrong? Do I have a glass half full or half empty outlook? How much of the time am I focused on what I appreciate and love about my partner? Do I have my back up and something to prove that keeps me concerned, vigilant, and on edge? Let these possibilities sink in completely and stop the habit of competition. Change, grow, and transform! If you only focus on your partner’s shortcomings, nothing will change. Only looking within makes that difference.

If your relationship is a courtroom, boxing ring, or jousting tournament, you will never be happy. Where there is a focus on winning or losing, you cannot find love, safety, honesty or respect, and those are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. With competition, you are destined to be single, lonely, or at least with a lack of the intimacy you crave for. No man wants a wife who is a competitor. They all need someone who is supportive and can always count on to save them even when they reach that point where they become blank. It feels good to have someone you can count on for plan B knowing that she never sees it as her victory but power of teamwork.

Always maintain “WE” in your relationship. It brings you closer to each other and makes you realise you are not by yourself, but two. Learn to recognise each other’s strong or weak points and complement each other. This kills the spirit of competition as each of you contributes differently and you learn to appreciate each other.

In marriage, the two people not only become one but they also move on in their journey together through various stages of growth and learning one another. Both as a couple and as individuals.

This marital growth requires a great deal of commitment, trust, effort, give and take and lots of communication. Healthy and well built marriages do not happen overnight, they are created by a lot of hard work. Remember, you are two individuals who have become one but you are still two individuals who must put in the work.

The basic element of “being one” in marriage is companionship. Like friends, couples need to be free to discuss their interests, dreams and goals without feeling embarrassed or ridiculed. Be able to tell the craziest things and even if he does, never insult his intelligence. Even if you do not like the idea, tell him with respect and love.

Always Be Respectful and “Do Unto Others”

Make sure that you treat your partner with the kind of love and respect you would like. That means no harsh criticism, no sarcasm or scorn, no competitive statements and conversely, a show of appreciation for whatever is right. Partners who compete may have a history of conflict and be angry with each other or in some cases, have a need to make the other person feel small. In all of these cases, the problem is with self-image. If you find yourself being competitive in a relationship, examine your own self-image and work on areas of dissatisfaction.

If your relationship is a competition, you two need to be discussing, understanding, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Otherwise, no one will be happy — especially in the long run. The self-reflection required to set and establish your personal boundaries is imperative. There is no quick fix or easy solution to that.

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