Women’s forum: Married but very lonely

08 May, 2020 - 11:05 0 Views
Women’s forum: Married but very lonely

B-Metro

Nhlalwenhle Ncube 

IT is so true that each day comes with its own surprises. Whoever thought that even married people feel lonely even when the so called better half is next to them. Loneliness is often believed to be for singles, but I have discovered that its not true. Reality has it that some married women are lonely and its one problem which has to be dealt with.

Truth be told, loneliness has more to do with the quality of your relationship, not your relationship status.

Most people have this mental picture of a lonely woman as that cranky, unlovable, unkempt woman who sits in her house all day without a family and the one who never got married. In actuality, the truth is that loneliness permeates all boundaries. It affects everyone, the successful, beautiful and even married. In our society, it doesn’t shock much when single women admit to feeling lonely. People mistakenly make the connection that once she’s married, she will fill that lonely ache, but its not always the case. Women must know that for you not to continue being lonely, you need to be best friends with your partner. Put simple, getting married doesn’t cure the loneliness. In fact, the most intense and excruciating loneliness is the loneliness that is shared with another person.

Research has it that when a man gets married, he feels more connected and reports less loneliness. The same isn’t as true for the female counterparts because their sense of being known and cherished doesn’t always correlate to relationship status. Whether related to the fact that women expectations increase in marriage, or that new obligations decrease chances to connect with others as much, some married women still experience loneliness. Remember these are the same women who used to have a more active social life when they were single.

Now, as married women, many with kids, there is just too much to do to add girlfriend time to the schedule. And a decrease in confidantes makes them feel lonely at times if her partner is not giving her enough attention. Having unmet emotional desires leaves many women feeling trapped in their sense of disconnection. The false belief that marriage will automatically lead to a sense of being heard, seen, known and loved may cause some women to enter into relationships that make their loneliness worse.

It’s one thing to feel lonely when you expected to be fine, being surrounded by family. A sense of disconnection is twice as damaging to your body as obesity and is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Lonely brains release higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, which impairs the cardiovascular system and can increase the risk of heart disease. Depression rises in conjunction with your lack of meaningful connections. To turn a blind eye to longings for belonging helps no one. As much as hunger pangs, yawns, thirst and pain are ways for our bodies to say to our brains, feed me, put me to bed, give me water and care for this injury. Being able to feel your loneliness means you are in touch with your soul and can hear the hunger for more meaningful community.

Sometimes loneliness creeps into a marriage and before you know it, emptiness, feeling isolated and separated from others becomes part of your life. Many people feel lonely in marriage yet such a union is supposed to provide a happy, healthy environment for both partners to thrive. There are couples who are so busy that they crave for each other’s company, touch and presence. In its right sense, a marriage should protect individuals from the ravages of loneliness, this is unfortunately not the case. Loneliness is determined by the quality of a couple’s relationship.

Loneliness creeps in slowly and gradually as a couple refuses to communicate and address their needs, as a result of fear, however, in most cases it is as a result of selfishness.

I know some cover up in trying to give outsiders the impression that their marriages are successful and happy ones, but behind closed doors, they do not talk at all, neither do they share the same room. You find both of them extremely unhappy and lonely. Loneliness distorts an individual’s world view and their perception of love and attachment. They have a tendency to judge everyone as and are extremely suspicious accusing them of not caring nor committed to the relationship. In most cases, the lonely hearts judge their relationships as less fulfilling while they themselves put little effort if any in working towards a healthy, happy relationship.

Disappointment, unmet expectations, anger, frustration and resentment cause such persons to protect themselves from further emotional hurt and therefore become extremely sensitive. They are extremely defensive and appear to their partners as detached, aloof and sometimes hostile. This state of affairs does more harm than good and instead of the partners growing together in perfect unity, they drift further apart and as a result become lonelier.

Life offers daily choices, happiness, isolation and loneliness. The choices you make have drastic effects on your relationship.

It is abnormal to find yourself constant lonely when you are married. Address outstanding issues regardless of depth and period. Remember, it only takes one willing partner to influence the other to begin the journey of healing. Choose to resolve every issue as it presents itself and pursue love, peace and unity.

Forgiveness is not an option, it is a must, because holding a grudge and resentment holds you captive as prisoner. Seek freedom through forgiveness.

Learn the art of healthy communication. Listen attentively and remember nonverbal communication represents over 82 per cent of all communication. Pride comes before a fall! Swallow your pride and seek help where necessary. Don’t allow isolation to take up center stage in your home, if you don’t slay loneliness, in good time, it will destroy not only yourself but your entire household. Make the choices and plan quality time together

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