Women’s Column: Offside marriage

01 Jul, 2020 - 13:07 0 Views
Women’s Column: Offside marriage


A lot of married couples are hurt. They are walking up and down with emotional and psychological pains inflicted on them by their partners. Some of these couples are now a shadow of themselves because of the pain they have had to deal with in their marriages over the years.

It is sad to see sad married couples who started out as friends and lovers. It is sad to hear some couples talk to each other with disgust. It’s sad some couples cannot even stand and they talk bad of each other. The good marriage has turned to be an off side,  too bad! Many of these couples now live like roommates.

They no longer talk to one another. They don’t share happy or sad news with their spouses. Their spouses are not the first person they go to if something is bothering them. Their close friends know more about their lives and choices more than their spouses.

These married couples are now doing things individually without care. They are no longer united by the vows they took to have and to hold, to love and cherish each other till death parts them. A lot of water has gone under the bridge for many couples.

Things have fallen apart in their marriages and the centre can no longer hold. The way these couples pretend in public, you would think their marriages are heaven on earth.

It’s heartbreaking to see people who couldn’t stay without each other in the past living like cat and mouse because they have been hurt by their spouses who refuse to acknowledge the pain they have caused them.

Some couples secretly wish their spouses would just drop dead so that they will be free from the pain and torment.
One woman told me that she wishes her husband death any time he goes out. They have been married for a long time and the man verbally and physically abuses her.

He would beat her in the presence of their children, strip her naked before neighbors and starve her and their children for days whenever she talks back at him. She has scars on her body and not happy at all because the marriage is off side now. No love, no happiness and no respect for one another.

At the same time, she cannot divorce her abusive and cheating husband because she doesn’t want the stigma of being called a divorcee. She would rather be called a widow and pitied rather than be a villain. I know she is not alone in such a terrible situation, an offside marriage.

Of course every woman wants to fight for her marriage before walking away so she never lives a life of regretting. So much is happening bin marriages both good and bad. Every marriage is different and never try to copy the lifestyle of your friend because you are married to men with different personalities.

To try and avoid a situation where you find your marriage offside, learn to communicate effectively. It can be painful living with someone hurting you, blaming you for their actions and telling you that you can’t do anything to them because it’s a man’s world. Some of these women don’t even have jobs or businesses and are completely dependent on their abusive husbands financially.

These men use that opportunity to misbehave because they know that these women have nowhere to go or finances to start their lives afresh. In a relationship, both parties deserve love and respect.

It is unfortunate that in some communities and families, there are always excuses for men’s bad behavior and they later crucify women for the same bad behavior. If he is cheating, they will always try and find faults in the woman. If he beats up his wife, they will say she pushed him to the edge by talking too much.

All these actions are offside and it must not happen in any marriage. It is sad that some men think their duty in the family is to make money only. Money is not everything, women need to be loved and treated well.

They think when they make money, they can get the best women to marry and then fail to respect and love them unconditional. They believe the lie that a man needs respect more than a woman. This phrase has made many men proud and obstinate.

They tell women all the time to respect them because they are men. They don’t know that respect is reciprocal. You don’t keep disrespecting someone and expect them to respect you. That’s not right. Men and women deserve respect, even children deserve respect. Women are human beings that should be respected.

They have blood running in their veins. Women don’t like being talked down upon. They hate being lied to and disrespected. They don’t like being taken for granted or taken for fools. Women don’t deserve to be hurt by the men who promised to love and cherish them for life.

Does this mean that men don’t get hurt by their wives? No. A lot of men are dealing with violent and abusive wives and can’t say it. This is because this society erroneously teaches them to be strong by bottling things up.

Men are expected not to show emotions like women. Men are told to stop behaving like women whenever they say something is bothering them. They are advised to ‘Man up’.

If a man comes out to say his wife is beating him or abusing him, other men will laugh at him. They will call him a weakling and claim he’s the woman of the house because he can’t control his wife.

They will advise him to be the man and teach his wife a lesson she will never forget. They won’t listen to him or advise him to seek help for his problem. And because these men are avoiding the shame of being laughed at by their friends, they continue to endure abuse until one day they are stabbed to death by their wives.

Dear men and women, if you have been hurt by your spouse, talk to them about it. Let them know that you are not happy with the way things are going in your marriage.

Explain to them that the things are now are not the way you want them to be and listen to their contribution to the discussion too. There can’t be a peaceful marriage with baggage from past hurts. Things won’t work.

Always bear in mind that marriage needs team work and you have to work hard to keep the flame. It is not a bed of roses, there are always good and bad times. If you take anything for granted, then it will make things worse and before you know it, you will find your marriage offside. Learn to love unconditional, respect and care for each other all the time. 

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