Too close with your friend, that’s cheating

15 Jan, 2021 - 00:01 0 Views
Too close with your friend, that’s cheating


Nhlalwenhle Ncube-Sithole
IF there is a debate topic which will never end, it is whether it’s possible for a married person to have a friend of the opposite sex. I also do not have a conclusion to that, but all I can say is that cheating is relative.

Of course being intimate with someone who is not your partner is the most popular type of cheating, but a lot of other people, especially women are also cheating in a smart way.

By saying in a smart way, I mean there is no sexual contact, but you find someone being so busy with a “friend”, loving and caring for him more than she does her partner. This is cheating on another level and simple put its emotional cheating.

It is so hurting to discover that your partner has replaced you and there is someone out there she is comfortable to be around and can discuss anything with. This makes an emotional affair to be the worst when compared to just a sexual fling. Truth is that sexual acts most times do not necessarily contain affection or intimacy. It could be literally about relieving oneself of sexual tension, whereas an emotional affair is much more about being connected, about loving, liking and a sense of feeling wanted and protected. Unlike a platonic friendship, in an emotional affair, there’s sexual chemistry between the two or some sexual fantasies playing out in their heads. You may even be sharing unflattering details about your present relationship with this new person.

It is so heartbreaking to discover that your partner discusses you with someone else. Sorry to say this, but I have discovered this problem is mostly associated with women. When someone is having problems in her marriage, she gets lost while seeking comfort outside. The minute you turn to another man, a so-called friend and he turns out to be more understanding and better than your own man, you are likely to lose it and get more attached to him. You come to have a special bond with your friend and that is how emotional cheating begins. Remember that this is an affair of the heart. It is the emotional intimacy between two people that have bonded closely in a romantic way, but never being physically entangled.

Most times, sexual feelings in an emotional affair are often denied to maintain the illusion that it is just a special friendship. Although emotional affairs tend to be very common like sexual affairs, many couples and even singles in relationships have strong emotional involvement with another person without physical intercourse.

An emotional affair often starts as friendship and progresses towards attachment, confiding more in each other, talking deep secrets and then it progresses to more intimate emotional feelings with the new partner than with their existing partner. You start to feel dependent on the emotional high that comes with the relationship. The obsession, anticipated phone calls, emails or text messages keep you going.

The problem is the attachment to this other person impacts your marriage thereby draining energy and fun from your primary relationship.

You spend a lot of emotional energy on the person. While emotional affairs may not be physical, sexual and emotional chemistry can present itself based on a physical attraction one feels for the new person. It can also be related to an increase in dopamine, a hormone that produces feelings of pleasure and nor epinephrine, which is similar to adrenaline which causes an increase in excitement. This feeling may lead to physical intimacy only if nurtured and sex happens quickly after the first physical contact because you have become vulnerable due to the high level of intimacy and unspoken attraction already existing between the two.

Something is missing that makes you vulnerable to temptation.

An unfaithful spouse may spend inappropriate and much time with someone of the opposite or same sex on the phone chatting. An individual who invests emotions into a relationship with someone besides their partner risks throwing their existing relationship into the dustbin. Deception and secrecy takes over because those involved are likely not to tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with the other person online. There is increased fighting and constant bickering because the partner is emotionally involved with a third party, perceiving the new person as all good and their committed partner as not being good enough and this takes a toll on their relationship.

Often, people who become involved in emotional affairs feel something is lacking in their present relationship. So, it makes them feel good because they feel understood and desired by this new friend.

If you find yourself fantasising, having intimate conversations, sharing information you should be sharing only with your partner, sending late night flirty texts, missing someone else even with your partner right next to you or you are becoming more deeply invested in imagining how it could be to be with this person, then it’s not just an innocent friendship. There is a difference between platonic friendship and a craving for someone. When you crave someone, your mind, body and soul behave in a certain way.

If you fit into the descriptions above and you have not taken the relationship to a physical intimate level yet, you can make a turn from that emotional affair, call it off and work on your actual relationship. Look deeply, an emotional affair could be a symptom of an underlying problem in your life or your relationship. For couples to survive emotional infidelity, both partners must explore its roots, find out what exactly they are and address the weaknesses than confide secretly in someone else.

Avoid playing the blame game, identify contributing factors on both sides. Give the love, attention, appreciation and affection you both desire to save your relationship or marriage. If you are honest with yourself and not willing to fix what is wrong in your real relationship because you know you deserve better, then move on instead of cheating and wasting someone’s time.

Now and again, women complain of being cheated on, but look yourself in the mirror. Aren’t you cheating on your partner with your so-called friend? I mean emotional cheating where you wasting more time on him instead of building your home.

Know your limits with friends and that is the same reason why some people end up saying friendships with persons of the opposite sex if you are married are wrong. It only needs to be handled well and always bear in mind that your partner is your best friend and never discuss his weaknesses with someone who will then act as if he is better than him.

STOP cheating with the so-called friends!

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