Nhlalwenhle Ncube
SOMETIMES you realise that your sex life is dead and you are in a dilemma of what happened to your sex drive or why you are struggling to get on the mood and to make it worse you lose focus and fail to have a big O.
One of the biggest causes of low sex drive is stress. For many people, 2020 has not been a good year and most probably this affected their bedroom lives. It is important for couples to manage stress as a team for the relationship not to suffer. It is said that human beings have two nervous systems. The sympathetic nervous system is the accelerator and the parasympathetic nervous system which is the brake. The accelerator is used when one experiences difficulties and challenges in life. This happens physically, your heart rate increases, your palms get sweaty, you experience inner discomfort. All of these things are really just your body providing you with a shot of energy to either fight the problems or to run away from them. As soon as the challenge has been dealt with and the danger has passed, the accelerator will be relieved by the brake. Ah, another challenge has been solved. Now you can relax.
But when you experience stress over a long period of time, it may actually feel as though your accelerator has gotten stuck. Your body gets to work overtime and never allows brakes to kick in.
Your sexuality goes hand-in-hand with your brakes. Naturally, and biologically speaking, it does not make sense for you to enjoy an erotic touch or to lie around kissing your partner if your stress pedal is hitting the metal. Stress and sex drive do not mix. You simply cannot have a head full of 120 worries while also having great sex!
Your sexuality is not only affected by hormones, but also by social, relational and psychological factors. When the stress hormones kick in, closeness is replaced by absence. It is nearly impossible to be present, to listen and to be interested in the people around you if you are feeling stressed out. It’s hard to deal with anyone but yourself.
The stress hormones pumping through your body are encouraging you to either fight or run away. This can even lead to you being aggressive towards your partner. You might start to snap at them or yell at them. The people you normally love having around you can suddenly feel like a source of irritation because they demand time with you. All of this doesn’t leave much room for closeness with your partner and slowly but surely, the intimacy starts to fall away.
As days turn to weeks, what you are usually depositing into your emotional bank account becomes less and less. When your presence and your intimacy fades away and your aggression and irritation skyrockets, it’s only natural for insecurities to increase. In most cases, this equals a considerably lowered lust for intimacy and sexual contact.
When your sexuality is giving you a hard time, you need to address the underlying problem. Talk to your partner about what’s stressing you. Anyone can experience stress and there’s absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. Everyone is at risk of experiencing stress at one point of her life. This must be handled as a team and the more of a team you are, fighting stress together, the better. It will not only increase your sense of unity but also show you that this is something you are able to get through together.
When you open up about it, you will accept that your sex drive will fluctuate and it will be low sometimes and that’s okay. Accept that it might take a little while to get back into the swing of things. This is perfectly normal and if you can accept this, you can still have a lovely sex life during a difficult time too. What you need to remember though is that it will take longer for your body to feel aroused and you will need to focus on allowing the “brake nervous system” to kick in.
Focus on activating your brake
The more you can do this, the more you are actually fighting the stress itself. This is where cuddles, kisses, hugs and other loving touch can help. It simply forces the body to go from stress to relaxation, if you allow this. Kiss your stressed-out partner a little bit more and hug them more and massage will do wonders.
When you are not enjoying sex, you might be wondering why, but the truth is that your sex drive is impacted by so many things, both your physical and mental health can be the cause of a low libido.
Stress and a feeling of shame could all be reasons you may not be enjoying it. Your sex drive is determined by so many factors and it can constantly change depending on what’s going on in your life, as well as your physical and mental health. Whether you are dealing with short-term or long-term sexual dissatisfaction, it’s normal to wonder why you are not enjoying sex. After discussing the issue with your partner you can then help each other by having more time on foreplay thus preparing your mind and body.
Foreplay gets the “blood flowing” to the genitals and helps with lubrication and the ability to climax during sexual activity. Foreplay is sex and by taking the pressure off the thought that there must be one outcome in a sexual experience, you can free yourself up to enjoy foreplay and focus on your own pleasure rather than the worry. As important as it is for your body to be ready for sex, your mind also needs to be ready, too.
Context is everything and it includes a variety of things including your environment, level of stressors, or even the state of your relationship with a sexual partner. Focusing on negative thoughts about your body and self could make sex less pleasurable.
Sex can be an extremely vulnerable situation, so if you are not feeling comfortable in your own skin, you may find it more difficult to enjoy it. Anxiety is the enemy of desire and pleasure. In order to experience sexual pleasure, you need to be present in the moment and with your body. If you are experiencing negative self-talk about your body, uncomfortable about past sexual experiences and do not feel safe, it can be tough for your body to relax.
Whether you are dealing with a past sexual trauma or worrying that your experience level is different from your partner’s, these feelings can understandably creep up before, during or after sex, making it tough for you to find enjoyment in a sexual experience. Since sex oftentimes involves so many layers of intimacy, if you are not fully comfortable with your partner, you will likely have a difficult time fully enjoying your experience. Having a conversation with your partner about what you want and what you would like to try might help.
Sexuality exists on such a wide spectrum and everyone has different wants, needs, and desires. Opening up about what you like and don’t like can feel intimidating, even if you are with a long-term partner. And, feeling like you cannot express your wants or needs can make it less pleasurable for you.
Physical, mental, emotional and sexual health are all connected. When one is neglected, it is like trying to drive a car with the emergency brakes on. It will go, but it will slow you down a lot and it’s not great for your engine. Engaging with your sexuality when you feel physically un-aligned can be stressful and difficult.Taking care of your entire body by getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise will help give you the energy your body needs to not just have sex, but thoroughly enjoy it, too.Figuring out what you like and don’t like can make sex more enjoyable. Sexual desire and preferences are different for every person.
Being dehydrated can also cause you to feel dizzy or pass out.
Believe it or not, being dehydrated can lower your libido and even make sex painful. If you are not drinking enough water, you might experience headaches, fatigue and irritability, which can definitely hinder your ability to get in the mood.But the same way that your cells need water to remain adequately hydrated, dehydration can cause dry, irritated skin, potentially leading to pain and irritation down below. There’s a link between dehydration and erectile dysfunction and your body needs sufficient oxygen to help maintain an erection. When you are not getting enough water, you might not get adequate blood flow throughout your body, which includes your sex organs.
If you are stressed about work and other things you will find it hard to focus on enjoying sex. Few things can kill the desire for sex quite like stress. From an emotional standpoint, mental energy plays an important role in enjoying sex.If that mental energy is being used to assess what is going on anywhere but within your own body, it is competing with your pleasure for your brain space. Creating a context where you can put other things aside and allow yourself to focus on you, also known as self-care, is crucial in sexual satisfaction. Your mental stress could even cause sex to be more painful. All of these issues will impact your natural ability to relax, get aroused, lubricate and prepare the body for adult game.
To have a fulfilling sex life, always try and fight your stress levels from getting too high.Stress and sex drive do not mix. You simply cannot have a head full of 120 worries while also having great sex!
