End old marriage, build new one

12 Jul, 2019 - 00:07 0 Views
End old marriage, build new one


Nhlalwenhle Ncube

NOWADAYS most women encourage each other not to stress about their husband’s bad habits, but to deal with them by getting a ‘‘painkiller’’.

Surely I tell you, this advice is a deadly one as it will never solve your marital problems.

The best thing to do is try and end your old marriage and build a new one with your partner.

Marriage will never be a bed of roses so work on building a new one where there are zero affairs, addictions or excessive anger and instead, abounding love and trust.

If you are having marital issues, radically increase the positive energies you give your partner. Smile more, touch more,hug more and have more sex.

Enjoy more shared time and shared projects. Do more of good things so he returns the favour and you will enjoy your relationship.

Give each other more appreciation, praise and more gratitude.

Do more fun activities together. Laugh and joke more, do new things and visit new places together.

They say the best things in life really are free and the more positives you give, the more you will get back from your partner.

Women should know that marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring. When couples have marital crises, they feel distressed and even hopeless about their relationship. But that is not the time to ignore each other and expect the problems you are facing to magically fix themselves.

Always bear in mind that you have to play your part well for your marriage to survive.

If the issues are not life threatening such as domestic violence or abuse of any kind, couples can look back and remember the good times they enjoyed earlier in their marriage.

That usually signals a marriage that can be saved. In fact, a marriage with the normal misunderstanding and squabbles has a potential to become the kind of partnership the couple had hoped for when they said, “I do.”

I am not an advocate of praying for violent and abusive spouses.

If you are in a violent marriage, run away with your life my sister.

Marriage is hard work.

Marriage is not child’s play.

It is not a partnership that is all rosy. Sometimes, you feel so in love with your spouse that you want to cuddle him from morning till night.

At other times, you just can’t stand each other.

Many good marriages slip into crisis because couples don’t know how much work it takes to keep relationships healthy and thriving.

It’s just like when you stop investing in the house you are living in.

It will easily fall into disrepair.

Do you remember your first days of the relationship when you were both excited about the relationship and always went an extra mile making sure your partner was happy and satisfied.

Then, why does it surprise you when neglect creates relationship problems after you walk down the aisle? Remember, he still needs attention and not to be taken for granted.

Think about how much effort you put into making yourselves look beautiful and irresistible to your man.

Remember how you made him a priority and made him feel like the only man in the world.

Why do you now take him for granted or tear him down with hurtful and negative words?

If you are having marital issues, take steps to settle them before this year runs out.

Don’t live with anger, bitterness, grudges and unforgiveness.

It is crucial to talk to your partner about what is bothering you and settle things.

If you are having marital challenges, fix your focus solidly on yourself.

Attempts to get your partner to change would make them defensive.

No one likes being told they are doing things wrong or, far worse, that they are a bad person. Both of you need to use your energies and intelligence to figure out what you could do differently to make your marriage blissful.

Cut out negative talks from your relationship.

They do more harm than good.

No matter how angry you are with your spouse of how much you feel they have wronged you, refrain from throwing negative and hurtful words at your spouse.

That is a marriage killer and many couples don’t know this.

You may apologise later for those hurtful words but the effects remain in the mind of your partner.

You have to do away with negative words and attitude as they are not helpful to you and your spouse. They will only taint your marriage.

That means you and your spouse should make conscious efforts to avoid criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, mean words, and snide remarks.

There should be no more anger escalations either.

Stay in the calm zone.

Exit early and often if either of you is beginning to get heated.

Learn to calm yourself and then re-engage co-operatively.

Marriage is partnership and the two people involved have to work together to make it a success.

Make your marriage heaven on earth and with serious commitment too.

One of the solutions to marriage issues is to learn how to express your concerns constructively. Avoid the blame and accusatory option when confronting your spouse about your concerns.

Stop commanding your husband like you are talking to a slave.

If you need something from him, ask politely.

No man responds harshly to politeness.
Couples should learn how to make decisions co-operatively.

This is also known as the collaborative decision-making.

You don’t do something and then tell your spouse later.

That’s disrespectful. You discuss issues with your spouse and when you both have agreed on what to do, you execute your decision.

That’s how an ideal marriage should be. Couples should always use the win-win decision-making aims for a plan of action that pleases them both. No more insistence designed to get your way.

Instead, when you have differences, gently express your underlying concerns, listen calmly to understand your partner’s concerns and then create a solution responsive to all the concerns of both of you.

Affairs, addictions and excessive anger are deal-breakers and they ruin marriages.

They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage.

If you must pray, do that away from them before they take you down with them.

Most importantly, especially if you have children who need you to learn how to be more emotionally healthy as individuals and as a couple, the two of you should both to commit to building a new kind of marriage.

Surround yourself with people in healthy marriages. Some of those negative patterns that keep recurring in your marriage may have involved some friends.

Surround yourself with people who value marriage and always go where there’s widespread support for making your marriage work.

Stay away from friends and family that magnify your spouse’s weaknesses and those who talk badly about their own spouses.

They will only teach you how to treat your spouse badly.

Finally, choose to love your spouse. Love may have come easy when it was brand new. Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion.

Choice is an act of maturity and it takes consistent efforts to love the one you married. So, love your partner and treat them right.

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