Abuse not normal

12 Apr, 2019 - 00:04 0 Views
Abuse not normal


Nhlalwenhle Ncube

NEVER normalise the abnormal tendencies!

It is sad that there are women who are suffering and pain has become normal to them. It is not by choice, but people around them always tell them to be strong as fights happen in all relationships. They stick to their partners hoping things will change.

Instead the sad life where tears are a daily thing, continue making them adjust and start seeing that life as normal.

There are people who see abuse as a normal thing for women in relationships that whenever a woman says she was beaten, people won’t address the animalistic man who dared hit a woman but they will be quick to ask her what she did. But men do not go around beating their mates who have offended them.

It is even worse among religious people, they tell her to pray for God to change him. If his parents couldn’t change him for three decades, how is it possible for his wife to change him? How can a woman change a man who doesn’t even want to change? Will she force the change on him?

And when she kicks against this emotional abuse, people will tell her to be submissive. They will remind her that the Bible says women should submit to their husbands in everything. They will conveniently forget the first part of that verse which says that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.

Of course arguments are a normal part of marriage or any committed relationship. Abuse is not. An ideal relationship is one where peace and harmony always reign. That certainly should be the goal of every couple. On the other hand, what cancer is to the body, emotional abuse is to marriages and committed relationships.

Most times, couples have arguments over financial issues, annoying family members or friends and how certain things should be handled. These types of issues arise frequently, they characterise a “difficult” marriage or partnership, but not necessarily an abusive one. Emotional abusers, by comparison, systematically seek to control their partners and every aspect of their partners’ lives. Abusers demonstrate a total disregard for the well-being of their partners. In fact, abusers aim to diminish the self-worth of their partners in order to establish dominance.

Over time, some victims of emotional abuse do come to believe that their mistreatment is deserved which it never is and that they are not entitled to self-determination!

Left unchecked, emotional abuse will shatter every relationship and most often leave the partner who was abused with deep emotional scars. When it comes to separating normal relationship squabbles from abuse, the intent of the behaviour matters greatly. In a typical marital conflict, the intent of each partner is to get his or her way on a specific issue. If you are being emotionally abused, the intention of your partner is to control you so that you will do his or her bidding. This is a very important distinction to make when evaluating whether you are experiencing emotional abuse or not.

Emotional abusers believe they alone have the right to make all the decisions for both partners. They are the relationship “Generals,” while their partners are merely lowly “Privates.” These “Generals” will go to any length — no matter how extreme — to ensure that their orders are carried out.

While couples who fight over a particular matter will usually resolve the issue and resume their normal interactions in a matter of hours or days, emotional abusers can sustain their efforts for weeks, months, and even years.

At first, it may seem that for some unexplained reason, the abusive partner is in a bad mood. Next, the abuser blames her partner for all of their problems. After that, the message is, “If you just do what I say everything will be okay” — which it never is. Finally, after additional incremental steps, eventually the abuser’s message becomes, “Do what I say, or you will be punished.”

It is the gradual nature of abuse, growing incrementally, that creates the trap. Had the abusive person shown his or her true nature from the start, no partner would have entered into the relationship in the first place.

Remember, being abused is inexcusable and never deserved or warranted. Once abuse infects a relationship, it is only a matter of time before it consumes it. It is always wise to fight for your God-given right to live with dignity and respect.

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